kwadro

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 photo taken by Leo

@ Valle Verde, Guimaras

in most years, she really wished that her life was as whirly as the way she changes hairstyles. but it was not. there were those days when all she could do was idly wait and wail and write. and right now, she sucks at the attempt at not writing this in first person.

hi there. this is me. i am 25 and it does not really matter. when i was nine, it did not also matter. i knew right there and then that i was bound for something like a joyride or a roadkill in the 5th year after my first menstrual flow. when i was nine, i asked my Lola what would i be when i turn 25 or 30. 

“bigger. bolder. brighter.”

she was fixing my hair while telling me ahead. she never told me that before i reach 25, i’d find my self in places i never dared imagine. no one ever told me that before this Silver age, you could find this piece of permanence from others only to find out that there is nothing as constant as transience in life. all i could remember: she warned me that the post office closes at 4pm and i should live humbly and happily no matter what. i forgot about the former but carried the latter everywhere i stayed, rest or slipped.for that, i will never forget her. when i was so young i had this feeling that i would look like her when i too become wrinkled. i was wrong, right now, i am sure, i’ll have more calloused toes than Lola.

for me, thanking 1984 is more than just a celebration brimmed over with confetti and fireworks. i found time days ago to just sit and pay gratitude to those i have walked with all these years. i am the sum of the people i have come across, loved, lost, hurt, missed and touched. i also smiled back at those times when i’d rather stay behind and appear like a dust. sometimes, i have these thoughts of just letting life happen before me: let it bore me, let it arouse me, let it bitchslap me or let it make me fall in-love all over again. 

i know i am not ageless. but guess what? i am excited. i still want to watch sunsets, moon glows and tangerines, meet people and listen to stories of people i barely know, i still want to learn about how people hang on to life. i still want to write songs because of no particular reason. i still want to dance and tumble down on the sand. i still want sweet accidents and little sins.i still want to build paths on that spot of mine under the sun. i still want to go places and feel cold in the mornings. i still want to teach a kid to write his or her name. i still want to drink beer with my whole family in one table. i still want to love and be loved— a little bit more than the usual. i still want to LIVE. (verb: the attempt of living life the way i love it and the way i don’t)

 i still want to kiss spontaneously and go “awwww”.

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