duko

*

i just came in from a long moment with the moon. i am not very sure about how it feels to be up there, alone, majestic, looked up and dreamed of. it was cold outside. a kind that calms the spirit. a kind that made me feel alone but not lonely.

for quite a while, i listened to the whole OST album of Spirited away again. it moved me to this feeling of anti-gravity, a ‘decided’ flight and that near-to-courage letting go. there was this sudden rush of fleeting sadness inside me. inexorable for minutes that i wanted to fold my arms and push my self to tears. as i look at it in most days, it was never easy to take the path that you choose for your self because it could be a wrong choice. i mean, everyone your age wants to look expensive, educated and upright. sometimes, it is a struggle to cling on the dream of being this: happy, loving and loved.

and for a moment, this entire space and vastness above felt like a grandeur of emotions, winding, astray, pointless but peacefully glad. like that only hug you can give away after missing someone’s warmth (you still do the giving despite you were the one who was sorely longing). like patience, like how it never asked but just waited and welcomed when everyone left and lavished on short-cuts, over the counters and quick fixes. like how pregnancy is and will always be a miracle to most mothers. and how being a Father can both be the height or the downfall of a man. like that overwhelming feeling of turning your back to love because of ageism and fear then one day, you just can’t help but face the world holding everything that you’ve been scared of and call it “mine” (without a lump of doubt). like the first kite you’ve seen, so raw and fresh in the stream of your thoughts. like how clouds follow the motion of the train or the bus where you seat as a stranger.

it’s just this.

.

more than ever, i don’t want to be powerful,one-in-a-million and eccentric.

(no matter what it counts and what it takes.)

♥♥♥

 this is where i go home to:

.

san roque, where i usually spend time reading, writing or just burning

the trees that i have been hugging 

the meadows where i watch the world look down on me

the hills and mountains where i watch the town glow,

life in a different angle, closer to the clouds

the laid-back snack nook where you breathe that offbeat, homey arsty feeling

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