sab-it

*

my friend sat in front of me, busy with her mobile phone. hours ago, she gave me this unexpected call. it was too unexpected that i did not even have the energy to take it. it’s just like that — there are days that i don’t like answering phone calls from unknown numbers. but that day, i was happy i did. 

” i hate to sound needy but can we meet and talk? “

“it’ll take me 2 hours though. can you wait?”

“yes…”

and there was this painful crack in her voice, like bones being broken by two bare hands. she let go of this deep sad sigh that echoed to my earlobe like how seashells give you this ocean-sound even if you are farthest from the sea. and i did not know what to say. i did not know anything smart or witty or anything that could break the heavy moment. in no time, i was standing alone, unprepared, about to take the final trip to where she was.

 ”sorry, i bothered you but i never expected you to take me seriously and you’re here.”

 she began to cry on my left sleeve. and she held my hand that i knew right there and then how it felt to be one of these stress balls. i just allowed her though, because more than once, maybe, i was where she was. crying on another person’s t-shirt, crumpling a hand just because it funnels the pain to that unknown place where suppressed hurt all fly to. 

“did you have dinner already?”

she ordered too much food, too much beverage and too much cigarette. she began to light the sticks one piece after the other.  she looked pale,disturbed and dreamless. not the same girl i used to hang out with, not the same look of passion in her eyes. she was thinner, sadder and more calloused.

“how are you, tin?”

“do you still write in the bus?”

“what’s up with your love life? are you with someone now?”

“do your siblings still ask you cute questions?”

her brand of evasion is something i have slightly mastered all these years. and so i answered each with brevity and a smile on my face.

” i am always trying to be relaxed and entertained. if all fails, i drink water more.”

“yes, but not as mad as i used to.”

“i met my soul mate already.”

“they do and the thrill is always on!”

she lit another cig, bit a piece of the burger and swallowed half of the hot coffee all straight. and she did not look bothered for a couple of minutes. 

” devastation, tin. i have lost interest in many things and passions since he left.”

she threw her vision outside the glass walls. there to where i would not be able to see how helpless she felt, how she was trying her best not to be needy when in fact she really was. i held her hand. took a bite from the same burger. 

“how long has it been?”

“7 months and 2 days… and counting”

“has he told you why?”

“yes and that what hurts most. that i understand his reason. and understanding him… it kills me.”

all of a sudden, i ran out of words. that line was such a landmine. 

“what took you so long to tell me?”

“tin, i actually did not remember you at all. it’s just i went through old notes and found your letter. it took me long to find your mobile number too. and i was scared that you might be living somewhere else, happy, fulfilled, successful.”

“then one day you found out i still am not and that’s why you decided to call?”

i am good at inserting irrelevant lines during the most serious situations. it’s embarassing.

“no. it’s because in that letter you mentioned about living for the moment. that life, when you feel it, you dont gauge it in the thickness of years but you have this sudden recall of the most beautiful moments you have ever lived and relished.i want to relearn that”

“what was the most beautiful moment you spent with him?”

i asked right away. i even forgot if i gave her the eye contact or the hand gesture i usually do when asking something huge. then i saw her eyes turned into something strange but… but better.

” ah, that time when he visited my old town. he got off the bus and looked stupid. he was carrying this bunch of flowers and when he saw me approaching, he just gave me the flowers and did not say anything sweet or whatsoever. it’s his shyness and silence that i will always remember. his silence that spoke in volumes about how i meant so much to him.”

“you did not unlearn it. and if hope grows back, no one can argue or can devour it. again.”

“but tin,  be reminded that he is forever gone. not in another country or with another woman, but in another dimension”

and the rain started to fall. we sat there facing each other. not talking for a bit and i hugged her farewell for the meantime.

.