humlad

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night time slow bike rides make me wonder a lot about people inside the houses along the road

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remember the very single moment that made you feel you were the “one” you EVER want to be? it’s as if your ego is as big as all your organs combined.  there was one time when i was asked to stand infront of a literature class, i had to tell about myself. armed with a Hemingway book as a gift for my former teacher and a hazy head, i just told a story. telling about one’s self was surreal for the whole moment. it was so fluid that everything which came out of my mouth also startled me.so there they were:

the first teacher who once told me, “continue writing and you’ll be surprised…one day”

and

these young people who have beaming eyes and ears as big as the oceans. that time.

 i could not recall every detail of my talk. what i can clearly remember is the emphasis on: appreciating the moments of life. enjoying the process of living rather than pushing much for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. simplifying and investing on the enrichment of the soul more than the surface. we shared a lot of laughter and goofs too. they asked questions. there was this lanky guy with beautiful eyebrows. 

” how do you deal with your ideals versus reality?”

my initial reaction was to smile because i never expected such a question after the usual: what are your inspirations? what’s your job? do you have a boyfriend? how do you deal with failure? if your parents choose a major for you, will you follow it or not?

 i told him i believe in magical realism.

 and that, your ideals/reality, may not be others’ ideals/reality. (at some point, i was not so sure if i could go on answering because of the tiny fear of feeding a devastating grain of testimonial. haha). i told him that i believe in that tricky pendulum of keeping balance and the necessity of the courage to swim against the current. i asked him if he believes in a certain kind of magic that only him can feel in silence. he was not sure.i told him tha the years have both shaped and warped me. like there was a point in my life that i had the ego to be a leader or to be this empowered person initiating a lot of things and not being able to finish anything. and at some points, i lost the ego, enjoyed the curves of working silently and reaping that filling feeling of doing a special something for someone else.

i stood there and i felt like i am happier of who i am now than who i was last year. i am not sure if this relationship i have with my own realm goes on. for some few seconds, i felt like the person i want to be. not someone brimmed over with overflowing achievements but just someone who is ready to flaunt something burning with passion even if it is just small. and, yes, selfless and fearless enough to share it. 

and in those events that i don’t like myself that much, which usually happens when i am sad and bored and feeling lousy— i just take every drop of it. whenever i feel stupid and helpless i just allow my heart to sink. and after some hours of sleep, acceptance and wacky imagination, it slowly rises and sails again. 

out there in a big big deep deep blue blue ocean of transience, uprooted trees and gambling lords throwing dices up in the air.

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