*
there i dreamed
i was this bear girl, in this
brown shoes, i had no arms
i had no toes
i was singing this Carpenters
song
then one day, I fell
in-love with a ferris wheel
operator.
^
2011,
someone will ask him:
“what have you been doing?”
he’d look at her like galaxies in a human form
“hacking.”
“seriously, where have you been?”
“i have been depressed. been collecting stirrers
but you were too happy so i didn’t bother you.”
she’d cry on his shirt.
and the son in her womb
would kick the man’s stomach.
#
you
make me feel
young
but you are
virgin,
and i don’t
want to hurt
you
’cause
i know how everything
metaphorical
to hymen,
if
broken,
h u r t s.
BIG time.
~
who killed amanda fucking palmer?
`
in a job interview:
all it’s wonderfulness.
starting at around 3:30 was surreal. everybody was wild. the whole joint felt like a lost spaceship.
we were all locked away from the world, and it made sense.
hired.
)
i love this man. not everybody knows him. if you don’t you should.
he’s dead. and he believed in love.
.
*
i am told that i have to read my old posts, and maybe, read them backwards. i found out that all these writings here can leave an impression that i now qualify for “bagong bayani na sandata ay luha award” or if not the “kapitag-pitagang mapapangasawa monumental galoreness”.
now, i am typing this away because my online students are absent. and i want to wage awar against their country because i still have this super hung-over but i set my mobile phone to a vibrating mode and inserted it into that kinky portion of my underwear. i wanted to wake-up so early because i decided to create a slideshow for one of them as visual aid. (hahaha modelong guro award naman ni.
going back to the major hung-over and my boracaymixshit today this is what happened yesterday:
went to the beach under a whimsylike-awoman sky with kasinggit-friends. i brought my termos and mug and some pancho, we also brought with us our musical whores: hikog (intsik’s gitara), alindog (my kahon), hulam (leomarf’s) and pangga (aninipot’s). we got caffeinated, got drunk and got high.
we talked filthy and all. we sang filthy songs and got filthy with the sand (sculpting pornography and i know this is what we get with our countryside life kay wala pa diri kuryente sa among bukid hahaha). we swam. ah scratch that, they swam, i doggied. (langoy-ido) and sang more until it was time to free the hearts from hairnets.
ah the climax: i found my self in our bathroom, puking like a concert and i felt so alive. the denouement: my phone vibrated like forever (vibrations and forever, pamatay nga kombo)”tin, thank you because you introduced to me this beautiful place called life.” “nang tin, i am so happy, you all made me happy, gakalimtan ko probs ko kung kta mag ulupod” “nang tin, thanks for the moments, for the kape, u always tke me higer. i luv u big sis.”
okay okay i love this whole drama thing but really really really
right now, i just want to enjoy this hammer in my head and more beershit and my many different roles to remind me
that mad girls do not live horrible lives.
.
*
I wish to write them
a haiku, about my dreams
I stood, blank, bare, blush.
Purok Mainuswagon “Ako Manunudlo sa Sabado”
Sponsor: Idol Dan Guillano
kasinggit tepoy and the mainuswagon kids bringing the house down.
guest raker: si jingjing! (estudyante namon halin sa purok malipayon)
“nang indi ko kabalo magdrawing.”
“kaptan ko imo kamot, kabalo ka na”
“magdaku ko gusto mangin si Super Inggo”
and the other kids had similar answers,
most of them wanted to be superheroes.
we told them THEY ARE.
and they attentively listened to his story,
of the far away land, all of us dreamed of seeing.
kasinggit shecky, the kids just love him
not asking if why he moves softer than other males
this scene inspires me
perhaps, this is why i quitted my post-grad 
“now give us one SINGGIT pose!”
tagay sa tagumpay!!!!
:)
jamming session
with peklay, tinay, tepoy, junjun
DIRI ANG TUOD NGA REBOLUSYON. DIRI, INDI LANG PURO BABA KAG PAKYUT, DIRI NAGASUGOD ANG PAGBAG-O KAY SA AMON DYUTAY NGA KAPASIDAD, KAMI GA GIHO.
.
*
you know for a fact that i am one strong girl, you gave me broad shoulders and protruding cheekbones because you do not want me to give up all these years. i finally realized that you have created me in such a beautiful way and that one day, you would let me be contented with what i have and what don’t.
thank you for these free toes, you have made me get on and off the bus safely,
see towns and strangers and shorelines because it keeps me dreaming,
it keeps me breathing no matter how clogged my nose are in most days.
it keeps me breathing with the lips, half-opened
forever, humming.
thank you for this childlike heart. i have founded SINGGIT not just for the least of my brothers but i still believe in that childhood dream i told you one day that i’d return to you all the goodness you have given to me, all the blessings you have showered upon me and those i love. i know that somewhere, when we gather kids and dreams under the trees, you are with us.
for the sad afternoons, thank you. for memories that have hurt me and left me down on my chin. thank you for the silence you have been so generous of everytime i want to shut my eyes. sometimes, i do not need to ask for it, you just feel and bring the curtains down. im grateful for the melancholy of poetry you have shared with me. it led me near people who made me feel less alone. less tortured. less rotten.
for the able soul to support my family. Karen is doing great, my little siblings are growing up into happy and beautiful people. for everything that you have allowed me to provide to, and you have been there in those times when i had to cry the nights because i needed to provide EVERYTHING. every single thing. for keeping my parents together. for letting me see them discreetly hugging and kissing. for my younger cousins who have been reminding me that they wanted to laugh like i do when they grow up.
most of all thank you for keeping me alive, keeping every creation around me alive and half-dead in some mornings. for the strangers and strangeness, the dew drops and the withering. thank you for the friendships that you have sent me, for every life you have beautifully-spit where i pass by. for the young people you pat and meet me telling me “you are an inspiration”, for people who see me not because of what i have become but because of who i really am.
thank you for shorter hours of sleeping
you have taught me not to exagerrate it.
i am dreaming more now, dear you.
i have so much faith in the truth
than the righteous
you are really there
and let’s go fishing next sunset.
glomps and giggles,
tinay
.
*
crossing out one item from my bucket list:
* buy Manghod Kakai an acoustic guitar.*
write and arrange songs for her in time.
so i got her “itum”
and they will hum melodies in our terrace
with or without me,
listening,
clapping…
special thanks to ex-seatmate j and sib aninipot for helping me find this gift.
.
*
she likes seashore naps and the view of everything from the bus window. she likes tiny moments and the small spaces between faces when people talk.
sometimes, she wakes up to that odd feeling of being a fallen leaf, an old tree, an azotea or a waitress somewhere-- talking to a taxicab driver about that random song on the radio.
*
---
---
and this. a proof that:
how you see LIFE is how
you actually see YOUR self.
*
*
***
maddening spurt:
----------------------
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac-
